Sarah Colonna

College Roommate Sucks

sarah — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 04:41:59 +0000

From: Jess
Dear Sarah,
So I’m a freshmen in college, and my roommate is annoying as hell. She’s extremely immature and has permanently attached herself to my hip. She doesn’t drink and doesn’t really know many people on campus, so I feel bad constantly ditching her to go to parties and such. I don’t want to be mean because I’m going to have to live with her, but at the same time she’s seriously cramping my style. WWSCD?

Dear Jess:
Where’d you find her…buzzkill.com? Sounds like you need to learn what a ’screening process’ is. You have no reason to feel guilty; this is college and if she wants to stay home and learn shit, that’s her problem. Keep going to parties without her and look on the bright side: while she’s sitting at home being a huge loser, she can finish an essay or two for you.
TWSCWD

The “M” word

sarah — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 04:37:31 +0000

From: Jeff
Dear WWSCD,
I need some really good advice on getting married.
My girlfriend and I have been together for 18 years, we’re not religious, and we live in a state without common law marriage. Neither of are huge fans of the institution of marriage and there’s no external pressure on either of us to get married from relatives or friends. Plus we don’t have (or want) kids so that’s not in play as a reason either. It’s not that we don’t love each other it’s just that we didn’t see a lot of benefit in getting married.

The problem is that as I’ve grown older I’ve started thinking that if I were to die first (and guys tend to do that) then she would get screwed out of my social security and everyone would probably think that I was a big a-hole for letting that happen. Is her getting a little extra money after I die reason enough to get married? If you think so then what would you do to have a special ceremony?
Thanks,
“To Tie the Knot or Not”

Dear “To Tie…”
Sounds to me like someone has a commitment issue! There’s something called a “will” and if you’re worried about her not getting your left overs, just make sure you fill one of those out and leave what you have in your bank account to her. I don’t know how much money you’ve saved up in Social Security, but if that’s the only money you have to leave for her things aren’t great and that’s probably the reason she doesn’t want to marry you anyway. Good luck!
TWSCWD

Buzzkill

sarah — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 04:29:34 +0000

From: Christina Robinson
Dear Sarah:
There is this girl that my friends and I do not really associate with on a regular basis. Whenever she sees us at a bar she weasels her way into the group, but the thing is no one even notices that she is there most of the time. She is a nice girl, but shes talks too much and is always in your face when doing so. The things she talks about do not make sense, and can sometimes be very vulgar and unnecessary. I usually just walk away from her or ignore her if I see her around, but my friends say that I am mean for doing so. What would you suggest I do instead? Or are they the ones that are mean for allowing her to be around me?

Dear Christina:
Your friends suck. Why would they ever say that you are being mean for trying to shake some girl that, from your description, is a stalker? Obviously you need to be a little more careful about where you go, because it sounds like this girl is tailing you. Unless you are curious what you look like without a head, I’d lose her. To be safe, take out a restraining order on her and get some friends who are less “accepting” and more “practical.”
TWSCWD

New Car?

sarah — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 01:08:20 +0000

From: Mike
Dear Sarah:
I’m trying to decide which kind of car to buy. I live in the city, so I definitely want a hybrid for the gas mileage. I’m thinking a Prius because it’s less expensive than the Fusion Hybrid, but a part of me reeeeally wants a Mini Cooper. I respect your opinion, so WWSCD?

Dear Mike:
All of your car choices sound super gay, so I assume that you are. In that case, there is nothing more gay for a man to drive than a Mini Cooper.
TWSCWD

Wife Forgot Anniversary

sarah — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 01:04:33 +0000

From: Billy
Dear Sarah
I just had my 18th anniversary and my wife forgot it this is the first time she has done this. What would you do?

Dear Billy:
That’s not good. If you got her anything, take it back.
TWSCWD

Hell Trip

sarah — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 01:02:15 +0000

From: Sarah
I have to go on a camping trip with my team next week. We recently found out that our tent groups are assigned and that is not okay with me. The one girl I hate most on the team is in my tent and I am afraid that if I am with her too long I will kill myself, or her…. What would Sarah Colonna do in a situation like this!?

Dear Sarah:
I don’t know what kind of “team” you are on, but I assume it’s a team of lesbians. Nobody else goes camping. Unless you can switch the “tent location” to a hotel, don’t go.
TWSCWD

Boyfriend not Interested in Sex

sarah — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 00:56:57 +0000

From: Kate
Sarah,
My bf and I have been dating for 3 years. I think he is going to propose soon. Relationship is great–only problem is he is mostly completely uninterested in sex. Should I say yes or no?
WWSCD

Dear Kate:
No.
TWSCWD

Up-Tight Mom

sarah — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 00:54:26 +0000

From: Mary
Dear Sarah,
I like to drink and have a good time, but every time I tell my mom I’m going out, she lectures me about being careful and not embarrassing myself or our family. What I think she doesn’t understand is that I’m in college and this is really the only time in my life that it’s acceptable (or at least forgivable) to pass out next to a keg without pants on. My mom was never a partier in college, so I wish she would just have a few drinks once in a while and loosen up! WWSCD?

Dear Mary:
Your mom sounds like a buzzkill. Get a job and move out so that you can do whatever you want. Don’t drink and drive!
TWSCWD

Jobs and BJs.

sarah — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 00:51:20 +0000

From: Sarah
Hey Sarah! So, I’ve been a stay at home mom for 16 months and thinks it’s time to get a job. Are you need of an awesomely chubby and sassy gal to work for you?
Also, I have no desire to give my husband a blow job anymore. Any advice that would make me want to do it more often?
Thanks!

Dear Sarah:
Pretty name! I would totally hire you, are you willing to work for free? As far as the blow jobs, those are never tons of fun to give. Since you don’t have a job, you probably don’t have a ton of spending cash. Start charging him for them, preferably by the minute. That’s good incentive for him to climax quickly, which for you is a win-win.
TWSCWD

Sister, Sister

sarah — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 00:46:06 +0000

From: Jackie:
Dear Sarah, My sister has been dating a guy for a year and a half and is, this week, leaving home to move to Pittsburgh with him and his hillbilly family. I keep telling her this is a bad idea because neither of them have jobs and she’s going to become a hillbilly too. She already has hillbilly tendencies; she likes country music, she’s a little bit racist, and she came home from her job at a pre-school one day and told me a half hour story about how they churned butter with more enthusiasm than a gay man who just won Cher tickets, then told me the same story again two days later. I’m worried. WWSCD?

Dear Jackie:
Don’t ever go visit her.
TWSCWD